FLASH FICTION FRIDAY ~Sea Mist~

Posted: January 23, 2013 in dark, fiction, Heart Warming, Outdoors, writing
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

FFFcopyright-renee-homan-heath

Thank you to Rochelle Wisoff-Fields for all her work and organization. You can visit her site and read through the other Flash Fiction Friday postings at:

http://rochellewisofffields.wordpress.com/2013/01/23/25-january-2013/

For those who are new, Rochelle shares a photo prompt to which several #FridayFictioneers compose a 100-word flash of fiction. Come, the water is lovely.

Here’s my The Fog Horn (by Ray Bradbury) inspired contribution:

Sea Mist

There was a hollow baying.

The doleful sound stirred with the rhythmic lapping of gentle surf, the soughing of palms and sea grasses, the darting geckos and side-stepping crabs, but it could not be mistaken if you knew what to listen for. Loneliness and longing as only a lost soul married to the sea can fathom.

Arriving at these sacred grounds and, lying upon the sands near which she first knew love, she breathed deeply the sea mist while the waves rocked her.

Slowly.

She choked, her drying eyes bulging.

In a moment of grace, sweet death returned her love.

jKb



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Comments
  1. yerpirate says:

    INCREDIBLY POWERFUL WRITING..

  2. wmqcolby says:

    Cool! Actually, very Bradbury-esque. Fun!

  3. This is beautifully written as your stories generally are. Your second paragraph is especially lovely.

    However, this paragraph bothers me just a little because of two factors:

    “Arriving at these sacred grounds and, laying upon the sands near which she first knew love, she breathed deeply the sea mist while the waves rock her.”

    Sorry, my pet peeve–“lying” not “laying, or “laying herself.” And you’re in the past tense until you get to “waves rock her.” “Rocked” would not only be grammatically correct but wouldn’t jar the ear.

    Hope you don’t mind the feedback.

    janet

  4. Dear JK,
    A masterpiece and kudos from a died in wool Bradbury fan since I read The Martian Chronicles the summer after sixth grade. Superb!
    Shalom,
    Rochelle

  5. kz says:

    very sad, very powerful.. wonderful wonderful use of words..

  6. Wow. I usually shy away from the more purple prose, but you nailed the prompt. How to derive darkness from THAT picture…teach me thy ways!

  7. Tom Poet says:

    A masterpiece. Powerful, moving. It made me want to rewrite mine.

    Tom

  8. rich says:

    well done. life leads to death. in that last line, you might need a comma after “grace.” not positive, but think about it.

    • JKBradley says:

      Thanks Rich. I looked at that several different times and just couldn’t decide which way to go, and just left it out. I agree tho, I think it might be better in to help define the two distinct segments. I’m gonna change it and see how it flies. Thanks.

  9. That was beautiful. I’d rather die there than in a hospital bed, with antiseptic fumes and machines beeping at me incessantly.

  10. Sandra says:

    Beautiful and sad. I took it that it was a sea creature – or have I got that wrong?

    • JKBradley says:

      For me, as I began I was wondering what might bring a whale to beach itself. But also, I was thinking about Ray Bradbury’s story and the things that loss and love and death can bring intelligent beings, or beasts, to do.

  11. muZer says:

    Sad and heart-breaking! And yet so wonderfully told. Loved this line “Loneliness and longing as only a lost soul married to the sea can fathom.”

  12. This piece of writing is both dark and powerful, my favorite combination. Very well done.

  13. Wow. I really thought that story was going somewhere other than where it ended. Nice job.

  14. Hayley says:

    This painted such a beautiful, vivid picture. So sad! Great job.

  15. Joe Owens says:

    A call answered, just in a way we would not expect. Good for the one missing her love.

  16. elappleby says:

    Ooooh! Made me feel all shivery! Wonderful writing.

  17. Splojo Fink says:

    Really got the atmosphere nicely.

  18. Joyce says:

    It is one of those very sad stories when the body drifts out to sea, gobbled up by its vastness, washing up on another beach, or swept down under the depths of the deep. Good writing.

  19. Atmospheric and full of desire. A desire we may not understand, but an important one none the less. Nice.

  20. Hi J.K.,
    High quality writing, especially the second paragraph. Not familiar with The Fog Horn, but now I’m going to have to find it and read it. Ron

  21. rheath40 says:

    I feel like you were telling my secrets. Haunting and beautiful. It brought me to tears.Thank you…

  22. tonyoleson says:

    I actually found some happiness in this piece. Yeah its sad, but after all don’t we all want something to look forward to after this? And she had her love, long lost, but not so long as she couldn’t find him. I like it.

  23. writeondude says:

    Excellent stuff. Sent a shiver up and down my spine.

  24. Like Ted sweet. That is my word too.

  25. billgncs says:

    I could almost hear Rod Sterling reading that with his dramatic pauses.

  26. Parul says:

    This is very well written. I loved the way you set the scene.
    But I didn’t understand how she died by breathing the sea mist?

  27. the description in your second paragraph put me right there, the visual, the auditory, the sensual. loved: “side-stepping crabs”.

  28. deanabo says:

    This is powerful and breathtaking. Beautiful words.

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